- [Jason] Oh, shiny gold envelope, wonder what's inside.
- [MARCUS] Probablyjust some shiny gold junk mail.
- No look, check it out.
Senator Varus, and Lady Clodia cordially invite the
Brothers Longinas to a banquet!
- Yes, come to daddy. - Hang on a sec.
- What's all this?
- We've been cordially invited to a banquet,
in your face needle-dick!
- Well, no, why would you be invited to a banquet?
- We weren't.
- Uh, because we're stone-cold legends.
- We weren't invited, it's a mistake.
It's addressed to the Brothers Longinas,
and last time I checked, that isn't us.
- So how come we got the invite?
- 'Cause our idiot postman delivered it to 'l'I Via Attica
instead of 'l'I Via Antica. - Ah, good!
- We're still going to go, right?
- What, no, as soon as we show our faces,
the Senator will see we are not the Brothers Longinas
and have us un-cordially booted out!
- Now, but look at the bottom, he's put,
looking forward to meeting you.
He's not met us, them.
Oh, come on, mate, I've never been to a banquet.
And you're always trying to suck up to powerful poshos.
- I suppose, if we got chummy with the Senator,
we could side step the council,
on our late licence application.
- Now you're thinking!
How many of these brothers do you think there are?
- I'd say, three. - Three sounds right to me.
- There could even be four. - Seems unlikely.
- No, definitely not four.
# When in Rome #
# Do as the Romans do #
# Far from home #
# All I got is you #
- Maybe this isn't a great idea after all.
Why don't we just go for a kebab or something?
- Are you yanking my boy?
It was a right faff getting this thing on.
I'm not wasting it on a kebab.
- Damn right, we've been to all this effort.
- What effort?
You're wearing the same shitty tunic as usual.
- But I've been practising my snooty face.
Posh ain't about what you wear, mate.
Posh is a state of mind.
(mm mm)
- Darling.
- [Doorman] Governor of Silesia, Calpurnius Piso
and his wife Lady Phyllis.
- Hello, uh, the Brothers Longinus?
- Oh yes and that would be your slave.
- Fuck's sake. - It is, yes.
- Slaves dine separately.
Along the corridor and down the stairs.
Titus and Publius Longinus!
- Shit, which of us is which?
- I wanna be Titus. - So do I.
- Publius sounds well nerdy.
- Hence why I don't wanna be him.
- Hence, why you have to be him.
Come on, I'm clearly more of Titus.
- Boys, welcome to Rome!
- Senator Varus, I presume!
- Indeed, well met, very well met.
New, which one are you? - He's Publius, definitely.
- Ah yes, the military man!
- Err, yep, that's me.
- Excellent, so you must be? - Titus.
- The scholar!
- Exactly, I'm a scholar.
- Now, Titus, why don't you go eat, mingle, be merry.
Publius, I want you to come with me for a moment
and meet a very good friend of mine, General Agrippa,
- Yes please.
(mm mm)
- Hello there, will you be joining us for dinner?
- I will indeed.
- Well, my name's Petronius, lam domestic coordinator.
Please take a seat.
- Don't mind if I do.
I'm buzzing about this by the way mate.
Hang on, what's that mulch?
- Well that's Sloppy Ends.
It's kind of a leftover broth.
- But I thought this were a banquet?
- Not for the slaves, silly!
But if you are still hungry after that,
do tuck into to the peel trough.
(mm mm)
'Oh!
- Extraordinary.
You're a unicorn, you realise that?
- Oh, thank you.
So what d'you mean? - A mythical creature.
Otherwise known as a new face at a banquet.
- Right, yeah, I just got to Rome
so I'm new to the whole banqueting scene.
- It's not so much a scene as a sentence.
The same guests, the same music,
the same canapes ad nauseam.
Dear Jove, spare me from another starling tongue on toast.
If you want my advice new boy,
the only way to get through it
is to drink until you black out.
- Oh, cheers to that then.
- My name's Rufina.
- Titus, Titus Longinus.
- And how did you triumph at the Battle of Velica,
despite being so outnumbered?
Uh, I guess it was a combination
of stabbing and gouging.
- I meant from a tactical perspective.
- Right, yes.
Tactically we used the element of surprise.
And the element of being better.
At war, than them.
- I served with his old man, Lucullus.
A dear friend of mine.
And I made a vow that if ever these boys ever came to Rome,
I would guide their path like the humble,
though very well-connected shepherd.
- So tell me, how are you coping with life on civvy street?
- Well, we've actually been quite busy, Titus and I.
- Oh, I dare say, plotting your new careers, no doubt.
- Exactly, we bought a wine-bar.
- I'm sorry, a what, a wine-bar?
- Yeah.
- A wine-bar.
(mm mm)
- Come on, keep this moving. - Yes Chef.
- Yo Publius!
This is a banging party innit?
- Yeah, maybe for Titus.
I've got this crusty war bore on my arse,
demanding to know how many Spaniards I've killed.
- Oh, cool, how many did you go for?
- 80. - Nice.
- All bad men though, no civilians.
And I found out some more about us.
- Oh yeah, what you got?
- Varus is mates with our Dad, Lucullus.
Who may or may not be alive.
Also, while I've been depopulating Spain,
you've spent the last three years,
taking it easy in Greece. - Greece!
That is so Titus, oh, I love this guy.
Main?
You're coping with being a scholar then, are ya?
- Yeah, relax, I can be brainy brother.
It's a piece of piss.
- Esteemed guests.
'Tis now time to repair to the triclinium.
- Right, that being said, I have no idea what that means.
- Just follow these people. - Okay.
(mm mm)
- Ah, salve stranger, we meet again.
- Ha, what are the chances?
- They usually put me next to some paunchy banker
or smug soldier.
- Well, you've lucked out tonight, haven't ya?
- Have I?
And what do you do, Titus?
- I'm a scholar, yeah.
Being scholaring away in Greece for the last few years.
- Ah, and what have you been scholaring exactly?
- Well you know, all the Greek stuff.
You know, the language, the history, the yoghurt.
Yeah, I'm a bit of a Greek Geek as it goes.
(glass tinkling)
- [Clodia] Before we begin,
I have a little treat in store for you.
- Oh no, here it comes.
- [Clodia] The Palatine Players
will perform the 'I2 Labours of Hercules,
through the medium of mime!
(guests cheering) - Kill me now.
None of his labours are a patch on having
to sit through a fucking mime act.
I can't bear it.
I'm going upstairs to seek immediate refuge.
- Oh okay, right well, see you later.
- Oh no sweetie, you're coming too.
Second room on the right.
Meet you up there.
- But to extend the bar's licence,
we need council approval you see?
Unless, well, if a Senator were to support it,
in which case, they'd sign it off on the spot, I imagine.
- Yes, but I've being thinking about this wine-bar folly
of yours Publius. - Great.
Sorry, folly? - It's beneath you.
You are a decorated officer of noble stock.
You should be pursuing a career in the senate
or the law courts, not running some cheap saloon,
like a common pleb.
- It is actually quite swanky.
- What would your father say?
- Well, I think he would approve.
In fact, I discussed it with him.
- You did?
But he died 2O years ago.
- I know, I was eight at the time.
- He couldn't stand the lower orders.
And you want to serve them wine!
Oh well, if you insist on tarnishing his legacy,
WW»
ma» mm
(guests clapping)
- Bravo.
(mm mm)
- Well then, is it done? - Please, sir,
keep your voice down. - Is it done, goddammit?
Have you taken care of the AL-monds?
- I have, sir. - Just his AL-monds though,
yes? - Yes,just his.
It's all in place. - Excellent.
Let's hope he's hungry.
(chuckhng)
- You took your time.
- Oh, yes, sorry, I actually got well into that mime.
- I want you to read to me, Titus.
- Read to you?
What, I didn't bring any books.
- Lucky we're in the library. - Oh, yeah, that is lucky.
- How about some love poetry by Sappho.
That would really get things going.
= .
Uh, it's just the letters are all a bit funny.
- Greek, yes. - Greek, exactly.
No, I know, 'cause I'm a Greek scholar.
- That's right. - Yeah, so,
I can confirm, that's Greek.
Which bit did you want me to"
- Why don't you start at the top and work our way down?
Read!
- Uh, poem one by Sappho.
Mykonos. - Oh yes.
- Olympikos. - Oh, that's good.
- Souvlaki. - Oh, yes.
- Moussaka.
Taramasalata - Keep going.
- Kopolodopolos, hippopotamos.
- Wonderful.
(guests clapping)
mm mm
it's a pan-fried trout with almonds.
It's the first of eight courses.
So if you need to make room at any point,
there are slaves with vomit bowls.
Enjoy-
= [[1] mans?
- What is it, why are you in here?
- I wouldn't eat the almonds if I were you.
“WNW
- I don't want to be a worry wart,
but there's a chance they've being poisoned.
- Poisoned?
Oh God, what have you done now?
= N!
I just heard some shady shit going down in the kitchen.
Where's Jason?
- Why were you in the kitchen?
- I didn't fancy the slave food, right,
so I was squatting under this table.
- Of course you were.
- And I heard some whispers about taking care of almonds.
- Okay, that sounds quite a lot like a recipe to me.
- So why whisper it then?
- Maybe it's a secret recipe. - Or a poison plot.
We should tell the boss man.
- What, no, I'm not telling Varus!
- We might get a reward if we're right.
- But what if we're wrong?
He's already poured a load of cold piss,
on the wine-bar idea.
- So eat your almonds then, you stubborn sod.
- No, I'm not gonna eat the almonds.
And not because I believe you,
but because I really don't like them.
And I'm not going to ruin the vibe,
based on some vague, nut-based nonsense,
you might, or might not have heard,
whilst squatting under a table.
Gleclia] ll
(coughing)
shaking)
(Wm)
- Vibe's fucked now anyway.
(mm mm)
(Wm)
- [Physician] He's dead, my lord.
_
- Oh, Drusus, my dearest friend.
How could such a wretched thing have happened?
- From the oral frothing, sire, I suspect poison.
- Poison, in my own home.
Guards, bolt the doors! - Yes sire.
- And let them not be unbolted,
until we find the wretch responsible.
And where is the Lady Rufina?
She knows not yet that she's widowed.
Someone go and find her and break the news gently to her.
You slave, you're not one of mine.
What business have you here?
- Oh, s02, yeah, I was here to talk to Marcus
- To whom? - Publius.
= Pubilus.
Off of the Brothers Vaginus. - Longinus.
- Long, yeah, that's what I said.
Don't mind me, as you were.
(mm mm)
- Definitely heard a scream.
- I bet, it's nothing.
Maybe we should go back and you know, finish up.
- [Rufina] Oh fuck-a-duck.
- Okay, so it's not nothing.
But, how about that finishing up idea?
- Ugh, my bloody husband's dead.
- Husband, you've got a husband?
- Well no, not anymore.
- Yeah, shit, sorry for your loss.
- Don't be, I'm not.
Although I'll have to act like I am
or they'll thinkl had a hand in it.
- Yeah, and I mean, did you have a hand in it?
- No.
Drusus was a philanderer and a bore,
but that's not reason enough to kill him!
Not quite.
In any case, it looks as though they've found the suspects.
- Come on, away with them.
- I should probably hang back innit?
So we don't go in together, with my toga undone.
- Wise words, scholar.
Wish me luck. - Good luck.
(mm mm)
- [Rufina] Ai me, let it not be so, not he!
Not my poor sweet Drusus!
- Urbo, put the shits up these two.
- Yes sir, right away.
- No, please don't Urbo, don't put anything up us ideally.
- You know, all this beastliness could be avoided
by a simple confession.
- We've got nothing to confess!
- Oh, do you not?
So you really are Publius Longinus, son of Lucullus,
former Governor of Thrace?
- No, okay, I'm Marcus Gallo, son of Lepidus,
current chicken farmer of Pisa.
And this is Grumio, my slave. - How do.
- And yes, okay, we gate-crashed the banquet,
but only to get help with our wine-bar.
We really own a wine-bar. - Oh, I can believe that.
- And we honestly had nothing to do with the murder.
I was as shocked as you were.
- Well, not quite, 'cause I'd given you a heads up.
- Like a few seconds before.
- More like a minute.
- What the fuck, Grumio?
- Yes, what the fuck indeed?
So you knew about this?
- I told him to warn you.
- Well, why didn't you?
- I didn't want to cause a fuss.
Admittedly, this is more of a fuss.
- I heard some fellas plotting in kitchen is all.
- Fellas, which fellas?
- Hard to say, 'cause I was under a table.
- Oh, so you have no proof, how terribly convenient!
- Maybe just, take our word for it?
We're being honest now, I promise.
- Urbo, break these two until you get a confession.
I'm gonna find the brother.
- Not actually my brother!
I'm being honest now, you see?
(mm mm)
- [Guard] Search the hallways.
Search every room. - Right away sir.
- Who are you?
- Oh, Hello!
I'm no-one really, what a lovely dolly!
- [Esther] Are you playing hide and seek?
- Yeah, exactly.
Can't find that Daddy of yours anywhere.
Maybe he snuck out of the house?
- That's cheating, you're not allowed to go outside.
- Yeah, sure, but still, is that possible?
Like, is there like a secret way out of here?
- There's the slave's entrance.
- Great, and where is that again?
- It's past the triclinium and down the stairs!
- Amazing, thanks babe.
Madly, mum»
(mm mm)
(WWI)
- [Rufina] He was my life!
I cannot smile without him, let alone live!
- What a vile business this is!
It's hideous, it's beyond hideous.
- [Clodia] So, have they confessed?
- [Varus] Not yet, but Urbo will see to that,
whilst we seek out the other one.
- [Clodia] Oh, surely it's them,
who else could it possibly be?
(parrot squawking)
- There he is, the scoundrel.
Guards, alarum, alarum within!
Guards, after him.
(whip whipping)
(Wm)
- Argh, shit that hurts!
How are so bloody calm Grumio?
- Just blocking it out mate.
Try to think about summat else.
- I can only really think about being whipped.
- I'm focusing on cheesecake.
- Argh, I don't really like cheesecake.
- You don't like cheesecake, are you for real?
- I don't like creamy desserts.
- You don't like creamy desserts?
- This isn't helping, Grumio!
- Why don't you like creamy desserts?
- I find them a bit sickly.
(whip whipping)
Alma
Can you stop thinking about food
and try to remember something about those poisoners,
you greedy gimp.
- [Grumio] 00p, hello, he's stopped now, look.
- [Marcus] No, he hasn't, he's just getting a new weapon.
Oh fuck this, I'm gonna confess.
- To the murder?
- To everything, murder, burglary, arson,
I'll say I killed Caesar, anything to make this stop.
What's that, please?
- This is clamp, for testicles.
- No, please, I did it!
Please don't touch my nuts, I'm still using them!
- Nuts, that's it!
- I'm the murderer!
- AL-monds!
= selfless?
- Go get Varus, I did it, it was me.
- No he didn't, I've got proof!
- What, have you?
- AL-monds!
The bloke in the kitchen said it funny.
He called them AL-monds, with a LE.
- Uh-huh, and does that definitely count as proof?
- If we can find the guy who says AL-monds,
then we're off the hook, literally.
- In which case, Urbo, it wasn't me after all.
I withdraw my confession.
(mm mm)
- Do you see this item which I hold before you?
- Yes, I do.
- And what would you call it?
- I'd call that a nut.
- Yeah yeah, but what sort of nut?
- Ooh, now, well, I'm not that good with their names.
Is that a pecan? - No, not a pecan.
- Oh, well maybe, is it a walnut then?
' NQPE, Try again.
- Well, if I could have a little nibble,
then maybe I can--
- [Agrippa] It's a fucking almond!
- It's not your turn Granddad!
- Yes, it is an almond, sorry.
Is this some kind of party game?
- Sort of, it's evidence gathering.
- It's a steaming pile of horse-shit.
- You're right, back to the dungeon with them,
heat up the poker.
- [Marcus] Come on, we've almost cracked it.
- [Jason] Help, help!
- [Varus] Where's that dreadful mewing coming from?
- It's me Jason, I mean Titus!
I'm down in your heating thing!
I'm all lost and sweaty.
- How in Hades you get down there?
- [Jason] Just sort of crawled in, yeah.
= mu.
- Oh no, come on, I've got some juicy goss,
about the old murder.
I could blow this case wide open.
(mm mm)
- [Varus] Come on, out with it.
- Glass of water'd be nice.
= ll
- Okay, so before the banquet started,
I snuck in here and had a little play
with the seating plan.
- You meddled with the placements!
That's disgraceful!
Yeah, I'm sorry, it's just
I was getting some serious vibes,
off of Rufina so I moved her name card next to mine.
- I had no knowledge of this I can assure you.
Neither the seating change nor the vibes.
- But that only implicates you further, you shiny fool!
Openly admitting that you had designs,
on the dead man's wife!
- No, no wait, there's more.
So after that, I've gone and done another switcheroo,
so that Marcus could bend your ear about the bar.
You see geez, you were supposed
to be sat there, in his seat.
- So, I was the target?
- My Lord, heaven forfend!
- Be calm Petronius, I live still, do I not?
Well now, this is news indeed.
But I fail to see how this exonerates you.
The only change is the identity of the intended victim.
- Senator Varus, may I be permitted
to ask a question of the Lady Rufina?
= Pressed.
- My Lady, did your late husband Drusus have a nut allergy?
Could that be how he died?
- Certainly not, he frequently nibbled a nut of an evening.
- Interesting.
- Oh, hardly!
This is desperate stuff I must say.
- In which case, my Lady,
what would he have called one of these?
- He would have called it an AL-mond.
It was of his many idiosyncrasies, I so adored.
- [Grumio] It were him then!
It's the corpse what dunnit!
- Oh nonsense, why on earth would Drusus want
to murder his best friend and business partner?
- Well, clearly having his way with my wife was not enough!
He wanted to get his hands on my company too!
- What are you talking about husband?
- Oh come on, Clodia!
We've known about your tawdry little affair for years.
- Yes, all those visits to your so-called pustulous aunt!
- She is pustulous!
I was draining her weeping sores!
- You were plotting my death with your lover!
Don't you dare deny it!
- Well, do you blame me?
With a husband who won't even look at me
because he's too busy fucking Petronius!
(Wm)
(mm mm)
- Thank you so much for a lovely evening.
Perhaps we could have you round to ours sometime?
' NO, FIEVEI', leave at ONCE.
- Sure, I wonder whether, seems as we solved the murder
and, in a way, saved your life,
would you maybe reconsider helping
with the late licence application?
- Shoo, now, before I summon Urbo.
- Yes, no, will do, goodbye.
- Rufina, hey, I was gonna say,
now you're officially a widow,
maybe we should hook up sometime
for another cheeky poetry recital.
- Oh, you're very sweet, like a Iicky little dog.
But, now I'm a widow,
I've come into a very large sum of money.
- Oh wicked, well done.
- So if I want handsome stud to read me Greek poetry,
then I'll probably just go to Greece.
(mm mm)
- [Grumio] Call that a banquet, I only had a few nibbles.
- Tell me about it, I'm starving.
- We could always get that kebab.
- Now you're talking!
- Boom-ting!
- The Longinus Brothers can keep their bullshit banquets!
- Keeeksaaaakfl.!
- [Marcus] Ah, not the back!
That's where I got whipped.
- [Grumio] Just block it out, soft lad.
(laughing)
# I came I saw I conquered #
# Can I conquer you #
# I came I saw I conquered #
# Can I conquer you #
# Oh yeah, can I conquer #